The Path to Being Heard and Understood

“I just don’t understand why they don’t listen to me!”

Have you ever had that thought?  Do you have employees? Do you have boss? Are you married?  Do you have teenage children?

Stephen Covey, author of his classic “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” shares Habit 5, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood”.  The reason people do not listen and understand you because you are not listening to them.  You talk, explain, analyze, preach, propose, offer advice and teach.  It doesn’t work.  The reason they are not listening and understanding you is because you have not listened and understood them first.  And you will only understand them when you quit talking and listen to them.

Ask an open-ended question (Who, What, When, Where, Why) and then get present, engaged, and quietly listen to the response………….only to understand, not to reply, then…

Ask another question related to their response and listen again, and understand, and sense where they are, and begin to understand how they see you and the world around them, and then….

Ask yet another question and listen patiently, for a real long time, without offering any wisdom or solution, without trying to solve any problems, just listening to UNDERSTAND them, and when you really believe you have understood them, share what you have understood with them and get validation that you truly do understand them, and that you see things and understand the situation totally from their world and point of view. 

Then, and only then, will you be ready to be understood by them.

When you sincerely demonstrate respect by carefully listening and understanding another human being, it opens the possibility for a true conversation.  What they begin to realize is that you care about them.  They might even begin to ask you questions and seek to understand you.  Now wouldn’t that be interesting if they really wanted to listen to you.